It is not easy

I'm not writing this blog for pity or for you to feel sorry for me.  I'm not trying to compete with anyone else's hardships or pains.  I'm writing it because it is therapeutic for me to write my feelings.  That's how it's been my whole life.  Sharing is scary, but it's also necessary for my close friends who do know the real me and know when something's wrong but know I usually pretend I'm ok. If this offends anyone in any way please stop reading my blogs, they are not ment for you.  I have suffered from anxiety and depression my entire life.  Off and on, mainly on.  I've been on medication, essential oils, been to therapists and psychiatrists and every and any thing between.  The one thing I'm very proud of is I have never self medicated myself with drugs or alchohol which is very common in my family, and for anyone who has gone through depression.  So I will give mySelf that one pat on the back I deserve that after how I talked to myself last night.  Last night was my melt down night.  I knew it was comming.. But it hit hard.  It's not because of just this deployment or being secluded up here by myself, it's a million things on top of all of that.  And without meds, or someone to talk to, I crashed last night.  You would have never known had I not told you.  I was still texting friends, having dinner with friends, smiling, and pretending I'm ok.  I'm good at that.  But what you didn't know is after all that I was the one lying in bed crying and telling myself I'm ugly.  I'm worthless.  I'm a horrible parent.  I have no friends.  Why does everyone hate me.  Why am I so misunderstood.  Because I'm not a nice person.  Because I'm not a pretty person.  Because I'm stupid.  I tell myself all these things because they must be true.  I even said to God last night it was ok if he wanted to take me.  I wouldn't take myself, but if he wanted to take me so be it, it was probably best for everyone.  I lied awake until somehow I fell asleep.  Which brings me back to my insomnia.  It always comes when my depression hits it's all time low.  I remember just 3 years ago I was on the highest dose of Prozac and ambien just to "function" normally.  I don't want to be in that zombie like state again. I have got to find a way out of this dark hole.  My issues stem from abandonment.  I've tried to therapeutically solve that issue but it has never gone away.  And with Ian gone now, I feel it all over again.  I know he is not gone by choice but that doesn't help.  It is so hard for me to get close to people because of this issue I know sooner or later they will abandon me and I can not take that again.   I'm in such a horrible place mentally that I need to remove myself from the social world for a few days.  I was going to delete my fb for a while but I need it to get updates on things I need to know about here, so I'm just going to be quiet for a while.  Off and on.  Please don't bombard me during this time with questions and "I'm here for you's."  I really do just need to work on my own issues.  And do not worry about me, all my close friends know this is who I am, it's my disease, I'm always ok in the end.  I do love my kids, my family, my friends.  I just don't love myself and that is the problem I am working on.